Sorrow of mine~My Story

This is actually a sequel to my pregnancy entry that I had posted previously.

If u read those, i believe u'd cme across d ones that I mentioned about complications. As i told u, since the day i figured out that i was pregnant i was having some spotting in my discharge. I did seek for medical advice but all doctors that i met could not predict anything as the pregnancy state was too early. Usia kehamilan masih terlalu awal utk tahu punca sebenar pendarahan kecil yg I alami.

The day I made a home pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive, i went to a clinic to chck y my stomach hurts so badly. The doctor prformed an ultrasound scan but was not able to see anything, not even a baby's sac. Though it was frustrating, It was also acceptable given that it was still too early & normal laa kalau x nampak within the 4th to 5th weeks.. I went back home & carry on with my daily lives assuming that i was still pregnant n nothing cud b wrong. Like my mom said, it cud just be~pembawaan bayi..

On the 19/12/2012, my stomach triggered another painful cramps.. I rushed to the hospital and the doctor did an ultrasound scan but still wasnt able to see anything. He then performed a TVS scan, which was through my bottom & finally could see a baby's sac and a fetus but with no heartbeat. I was then at 6 and a half weeks old. I was advised by the doctor to wait till about 2 weeks more for another scan and to see whether the baby's heartbeat wud develop by then. Frustrated, i went back home.

It was more than 2 weeks of waiting, it was almost a month.. I could see a bump was performing on my belly and I was about 9 weeks old. Loyally consumed vitamins n milk, I continued believing that my baby was growing. Although day by day I experienced a light cramping n pink / brown discharge, i assumed it was just those things that normal moms experienced during the first trimester. Finally on the 9th January 2013, as I was about to go off from the office, there was fresh blood leaking from my bottom and I rushed to the clinic. The doctor made an ultrasound scan and figured out that I had a miscarriage and the ultrasound scan showed my pregnancy was at 5 weeks old when it was supposed to be 9 weeks old. It was hard for me to believe, and i was not ready to accept it.

I went off from the clinic and rushed to the hospital. I drove alone and with all the nonsense twirling inside my head, i barely realised i was driving. All i heard were loud honking as my visions were blurred by the tears streaming down my face. At the hospital, i was with my husband. I waited patiently and finally i was brought in a scan room by a female doctor and she performed another TVS scan thru my bottom.

Finally, she told me the same thing that the clinic doctor told me. That my baby had stopped developing eversince week 5 and it was a missed miscarriage, and there was still no heartbeat.

She adviced me to undergo an ERPOC process to which they will vacuum out the fetus and the baby's sac and she wanted me to get it done by the nxt day. I wasnt ready and asked for another 1 week time to let it go out naturally. The doctor agreed, she admitted that after an erpoc, it might be a bit difficult and requires some time to have the second chance of conceiving.

Anyhow, i still have to do it as the fetus could turned rotten inside my womb and my health could be affected.

I was devastated. My husband hugged me and told me it was okay. i cried so hard. even my plans for honeymoon in Indonesia also need to be cancelled due to my state. But he said everything will be okay and that he is thankful to God that I am okay and still alive, according to him, thats all that matters. Everyone surrounded me keep telling me the same thing again and again. That it was okay, that i was still young and still got a lot of time to go for another chance. Tired of crying, I finally accept the fact that it was not meant for me this time.

With tears streaming down my face, I realised that things happen for a reason. I wanted to be angry, i wanted to start questioning my fate. But I didnt do it cos I know He knows best. Maybe He is telling me that it is not my time yet.

Whatever has happened, I am very grateful.. Because he has given me faith that I CAN conceive. If anything, I am very grateful to be given the pregnancy experience even for a short while.. I know i cant afford to have a breakdown, this is just a small thing that happens in life, and this is such a lucky thing to experience compared to other bigger ones that women experience in their lives.

Today, i went to the hospital again with determination, that i want to end this episode once and for all. I am getting a very painful and throbbing headaches since yesterday which I suspected is due to my state and keep vomiting whenever I eat something. The fetus and everything are still inside my womb, and I had undergo a traditional home remedies since yesterday but there was nothing came out from my bottom, so I am very determined to undergo the erpoc process.

I will be admitted to the hospital on Tuesday 15th and will undergo the process on the next day, jan 16th. Please pray for my health... I believe I will survive this test and will be healthy once again. And will have the chances to update many more stories in my blog ^_^ Will update you guys later once I'm conscious and well k! Thanks for being with me from the start. Xoxo